Raising Autistic Children: Kindness, Love and a Shared Strength

A mother from Kent talks to Dr Diana Goldsmith about her experiences of parenthood, the highs and lows she has experienced raising an autistic child, and her hopes for the future.

How has your experience of raising an autistic child been?

Truly revealing and inspiring. Every day I strive to become a kinder, less judgemental, open- minded and open-hearted human being. I not only need to, but I now want to free myself and my family from unnecessary social pressures and conveyances. Having a child with autism has made me question myself and my perspectives.

I have experienced so many magical moments with my son, and have so many incredible memories that I treasure. Quirky jokes, funny noises, tickle time before bed leaving us crying from laughter, hours spent reading books together, going for walks and just being in the moment, listening to all the important things my son must tell me about!

However, there are also periods of very deep sadness, anger and grief. Frustration with social misconceptions about autism, with education, health and care systems and the painful dismissiveness of many people. What has been particularly hard is seeing a sudden and drastic decline in my son’s mental health and not being able to provide the support he deserves and needs. Seeing him withdrawing from a ‘happy-go-lucky’ boy, to a very anxious and traumatised young man breaks my heart and incites a huge amount of parental guilt.

How has it influenced who you are as a mother?

As a mother I have had to take on so many professions. I have become a fighter, a warrior; an advocate and a lawyer; a neurodivergence expert; a motivator, a negotiator.

I have learned the wonders of empathy and letting go; of no longer caring about what others think and most importantly understanding that everyone has a right to live the way they wish to, regardless of society’s ‘norms’.

I have learned that there are many ways to show kindness and love. I have also learned that I am neurodivergent, and that it is often my strength!

What words of advice or guidance would you provide other mothers ?

Trust your instincts! You know your child – you know when they are well and happy or when something is wrong! Do not let anyone, however knowledgeable, make you disbelieve your child. This invalidates your child’s feelings and experiences, and your inner wisdom as a mother, and it leads to so many traumatic experiences. Trust your child and listen with every part of your body, deeply. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes understanding comes slowly, with a delay. But children communicate so often without words. Hear them. Tell them they are loved and safe.

Allow yourself to be guided by kind people who are experienced and knowledgeable in neurodiversity – but ultimately the choice belongs to you and your child. It is your path. It may be different from other children and families, but it is never less or worse, simply different.

Surround yourself with people who care and understand and look after yourself and your mental wellbeing. It sounds like a cliché, but it is far from it. There will be times when you will need to find the strength of Hercules, the courage of David and the perseverance of Odysseus! It is ok to have a nap, to stop for few minutes, to take a bath. Take time to ground yourself and remember who you are and that you matter greatly.

What changes would you like to see across society and within schools?

Kindness. Respect. Acceptance of differences. Equitable options. These changes across our society would create such an inclusive environment.

I would love to see schools and education driven to inspire, motivate and flex brains; not deflate, bore and crush inquisitive minds. A less information driven curriculum and more focus on the practical application of knowledge, why we are learning this and how will it impact our life.

Finally I would like to see schools given the ability to become more flexible – we all learn differently and do not need to be the best in all subjects.
Less tests and exams and more child driven learning.